Sunday, August 29, 2010

After it rains.

Do you know whats funny? The fact that it has stopped raining, and that the sun is out. Now, no matter where I look, I see light. When I look up to the sky after it rains, the clouds are parting, and that ray of light shines down. And now, even if I look down, I can still see that light.

took this at mount station when i was alone lol  
Einstein once said, that "coincidences are God's way of staying anonymous." I can't help but believe this.

The Emperor Penguin. I think that they're pretty awesome. You know, when 2 of those penguins mate, the female lays eggs and the male takes care of them. The female leaves in search of food while the male stays and takes care of the eggs. The male, endures through everything, while he waits for the female. At that same time, the female is searching for food. The 2 penguins are faithful each other, and would go through harsh conditions for each other.  I just find this pretty awesome, don't you think?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

form of happiness.

Well, there were a few answers to the question I put last post. But I was surprised at how only a few people gave me an answer. I thought there were more people that read my blog? Maybe some people didn't have an answer though haha.

Ok. So the question was: "If happiness could take on any form, what would it look like?"
I got 2 answers from people. One, was that happiness would be in the form of mango pudding. So I guess that could be interpreted as something you love. Another answer I got was banksys in bankstown. That answer, I know you're just being an idiot. Who would think banksy is the form of happiness? :P ahaha

Anyway, I thought about that question when it came up in 'Code Geass' and so of course, they would have given an answer. and their answer was pretty epic, so you might want to hold on to your chair..

"It might be something like glass...because one doesn't notice it normally. However, it is actually there. As proof, if you change the angle you look at it, the glass will reflect light. It will state it's presence and existence more eloquently than any other thing in the world."

That was one of the best ways that I have ever heard something like happiness be described. But in my own opinion, happiness is something that is far too complex to be able to describe with a form. Happiness is one of those things, that grabs you when you least expect it. Different people see it different ways. There can't be one universally accepted form of happiness. Some people might say laughter, but then there are people that force laughter, and that isn't happiness. It's too complex, too many levels to be able to be described with one form. I believe, that true happiness will come, and go, without you realising it. That is why, it can't possibly have a single form, something that you can see, but not notice, something that brings about a glow in someone, something that can be transferred to others in a mysterious way, something that doesn't discriminate. I can't think of one thing with all of those qualities. But that's just my opinion.

It makes me wonder, when will I find true happiness? hmm.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

14 hours left.

I AM SO HUNGRY. I feel like i'm dying D:
I really don't know how all the kids in Africa do this every single day of their lives.. D: It's so hard, and it doesn't help when your family is eating in front of you >_>

I only have 14 more hours left before I can eat, I now have a new found love for food. I can't believe I took it for granted for so long. Not being able to eat makes me feel so weak, no energy to do anything. D: I'M ALMOST THERE. ASNUINFJFSDNA.

Also, there was something that got me thinking while I was watching Code Geass. And I thought that I'd share it. If you're reading this, can you think about this and give me an answer? Anything is appreciated haha.

"If happiness could take on any form, what would it look like?"

Monday, August 16, 2010

meet my friend.

my friend Dany.
Meet my friend Dany. He's standing outside in the rain, waiting for someone. He's not waiting for anything too special, just waiting for someone to come along and tell him something that he's hoping for. He thinks that all it would take for it to stop raining, would be to hear certain words from someone's mouth. Dany doesn't know whether he can safely say that he's happy, while he's still standing in the rain. He wonders, "will this rain ever stop?" because he's been freezing for a long time. It falls endlessly, knowing no end. He just wants some warmth...
I guess it's a good thing that my friend doesn't get sick very easily. But I wish I could help him.

On a different note...
cartoon that my primary school friend made (Y)
 
That is exactly why I don't do well in english. Thanks Jonathan for the awesome picture :P

Saturday, August 14, 2010

winter

This is the kind of weather I expect in winter. But I still wonder, if there will be a ray of light through the clouds. Or maybe, a rainbow if I'm lucky. I have had a lucky streak these past few days though...so you never know? heh.

(Y)

:D

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

recent days.

Recently its been raining quite a lot. The sky seems to be really dull most of the time. Hardly any rays of lights through the clouds.

And I think it's pretty fitting. It makes me feel as though even the sky can share my pain. I wonder, what has changed...?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

random stuff

This is probably just a different thing for me to write about, instead of the usual haha. Just something random I thought I might share.

First off, a word that I hardly ever use. I don't think I've ever used this word in a normal conversation, the only time I would have used it, would be in class...
that word is: perfect
Why? Because the word itself is really strong. Too strong. There's nothing in this world that is 100% perfect. It's just a word for wishful thinkers. And plus, if something was perfect, then there would be nothing left. No room for improvement, no goal, no place left to become better. If I ever do use the word perfect to describe something, I either have no other way to describe it, or I really mean that whatever I'm describing is perfect.

Next on the list, are some of the weird things in my life...
 - I have a morning routine. LOL. It's almost always the same, unless for some reason I'm running REALLY late..
- I tend to go on msn only after dinner, and even if it's after dinner I might not go on. I don't really know why, but sometimes I do go on sometime other than after dinner. I just find other things to do.
- I pretty much only talk to one person on msn. ._. and yes, I have no friends. Occasionally, I talk to other people, such as rapta, eric, jonathan, and other random people, but I'm never the one to start it unless its important or I'm really bored. And again, I don't really know why... |:
- When I don't really feel like talking to anyone, I just jump on my xbox, turn the volume up, and close the doors. Blocking everything out. Yeah it is weird, but it helps in a way... Too bad my sister always ends up bothering me anyway >_>
- I don't get stressed. Stress doesn't seem to work with me. I guess it's a good thing, but then sometimes I get too lazy... For some reason, no matter what happens, I just don't seem to get stressed. No matter how crap things look, I won't panic or get stressed. :S Sometimes I feel as though I'm too calm about things... :S

yeahhhhhh.... |: well that was a nice change of pace. It turns out, that a lot of people read my blog, that I didn't even know about... so I think I'm gonna think more about how I word things from now on... haha.
I hope whoever is reading this now liked that little bit of insight into the life of andy choi. :D

still waiting.

Monday, August 9, 2010

あきらめてくないよ。

Saturday, August 7, 2010

a story.

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy. He wasn't very special, nor was he very good at any one thing. You could say that he could do a lot of things, but he was never the best at it, there was always someone better. He was never bothered by this though. He always thought, that it all balances out, so being average at everything was fine by him. He figured, that he had a gift for learning. He always seemed to be able to pick things up really quickly, despite how hard it may be. That boy was seen to be a generally nice person. It wasn't an easy task to make him angry, annoyed or sad, because he was an optimist. Always looking for the bright side of things. However, he was also very lazy. So there would be a lot of things, that he could do something about, but never would, because it was "such a drag". Sometimes, when he talks to people, he would say something, but in the end, he would say "but ohwell" because he never intended to do anything about it. Kind of pointless really. His studies were always constant, with the occasional crap mark every now and then. But he was never bothered by this. However, he never had a dream.There was never anything that he aspired to be, as well as nothing to motivate him to work any harder than he already does. That little boy, realised that he had an easy life, up until he reached Year 10 at school. In the past, he was always carefree, with nothing impeding his life. There were never any major hindrances, if he just forgot about something, it would just go away. That made him a weak person. Without any problems, that little boy would never be able to stand on his own two feet. He would always try and forget about his problems, or rely on other people to fix them for him. Dependent on other people. He was always proud, that he never did badly at school, because he saw that there was always someone doing worse than him. His life had no drama up until he hit a certain point in his life. When that little boy reached Year 9, he went on a holiday, to a place where lots of Asian things were made. He made lots of friends on that trip, including someone who had a helping hand in changing his life. The year after that, the little boy's friend decided to take him and some others on an adventure. A race to be precise. Later on, that same friend of his took him and some others to a place where young people congregated to hear messages. That was life-changing moment in that little boy's life. It was the day he made a lot of new friends, that would always support him in the future, as well as the day he was saved. That friend, probably would never realise, how grateful that little boy is to him. From then on, he would go to that place every week, but his life at school hadn't really changed that much. He still had no dream, he still had no motivation. Then a certain event came along, and you could say that it 'shook the planet'. It was his first time at one of those events, so he didn't really understand what the people were talking about, nonetheless, he still enjoyed it greatly. At that event however, he met someone, that he could never forget, no matter how hard he tried. And trust me, he tried. At first, the little boy saw that person just as someone being friendly, and didn't think much of it. One thing led to another, and he realised that he was getting closer and closer to that person, but he doesn't know how it happened. The two of them started talking more and more, and not even a week after they had met, the little boy started to develop feelings for that other person. At first, he didn't think much of it, "probably just a passing crush", but it didn't pass and more and more people started to find out somehow. At that point in life, things started to change in his life. His studies hadn't changed that much, but he noticed he was in a good mood more often than not. This happy-go-lucky mood he was always in, brought people together, and soon after, a massive friendship group formed. New people at the boy's school, would be able to tell if they could be part of the group, because they all had something in common. They were all Asian. So as time went on, the group became bigger and bigger. There were little groups within the big one, but ultimately, it was a just a massive friendship group. The little boy thought that his life couldn't get any better. Lot's of friends, as well as someone special to him. As the year went on, the little boy and his friends became closer and closer to certain people outside of their school. There was price to all this. Since, the little boy had an easy childhood, without many obstacles, he was weak. He often let his guard down, because of his optimistic nature. Sadness, was that price. There were a lot of times, that he had felt down, and he didn't know what to do, because he had never experienced it before. He always told himself, that everything would be ok, and that he should just smile and get on with life. That was when he realised that life wasn't fair. He got splinters, even while he was sliding down a rainbow. And they hurt. Of course, there were times that he couldn't be happier, such as his birthday, when he received something special from a certain someone. There were many ups and downs. However, nearing the end of that year, he seemed to be down very often. Always because of the same thing. So he decided to use a certain event, to decide what he should do next. He was a weak person, which led him to make such a stupid mistake. That night, was supposed to be fun, good food, good friends and entertainment, the boy even had to make a speech for someone that had guided him in his life. But that night wasn't the best for him. Throughout that entire night, he was bothered by something, and by the end of it, he wasn't exactly the happiest of people. The boy was weak, so he was very vulnerable at that time. It was then, that someone else came along, and cheered him up through everything that was going on. As he talked more and more with that person, he genuinely felt better. That other person, constantly tried to make him happy, which worked. Of course, the little boy hadn't forgotten about his special someone, but he thought that, it would be better for him, if he chose someone that made him happy rather than sad. What he didn't realise, was that he had it the wrong way round. The person who really made him happy, he thought that that was the person who made him sad. So he made a mistake. The little boy didn't realise how big of an effect his actions made, and the year after, the person he thought made him happy left his life. It was at that point, that he had an epiphany. He realised, who was always there for him, who always thought about him, who always stayed up with him. But the little boy was scared. He knew the damage he had done, but he couldn't reverse that damage no matter what. All he could do was hope. The people around him never told him to give up, and that he would be fine, but he didn't know whether or not he should believe that. More time went by, and then he finally found motivation. His studies stayed the same, but he had found something close to a dream, so he at least knew which way he would be headed in his life. However, that other person was always on his mind, and so he never moved forward towards his dream. He was constantly worried, but there wasn't anything the boy could do except wait and hope. It always seemed to be at events, that things between the boy and the other person changed. Another event came, and that event, was crushing. It was something the boy wished had never happened, but he could never drive it out of his mind. That night, was the night he was crushed, as well as the night he decided to wait, for however long it took. He knew, that he could be wasting his time, he knew, that he could be missing an opportunity to find someone else. But the boy didn't care. He had a steady heart and mind, and knew that what he was doing, was what he really wanted to do. After that event, things between them two were a little shaky, but that fixed itself. However, after that event, the little boy noticed something. His mood, was the complete opposite to when he first met that person. Everyday, the little boy would wake up, and put on a fake smile everyday, no matter how hard it was. There were times, that he couldn't even do that, because everything was just too much to handle. He's thought of giving up, but he made a promise. And the one thing that the little boy doesn't do, is break promises. He knew his life was so much harder than it used to be. But he wouldn't have it any other way. He knew, all of this, would make him stronger. So that in the future, nothing can bring him down. The people around him, started to tell him to give up, that he should just go out and meet other people. But he can't. Even if he wanted to. That was something the little boy knew for sure. He was, and still is, waiting for the day when everything becomes bliss again. Another event came. It wasn't the best of events, as the night would have been the same as the night the boy was crushed. So he decided to leave after the main event. He didn't want to be there, just to get crushed again. However, the boy was worried, and made a stupid trip because of it. There wasn't much he could do, so that trip really, made no difference in anything. At one point, when the boy was with one of his friends, he doubted himself. He had no idea what he was doing, and his friend told him that hes being caused more pain than happiness. The little boy however, steeled himself, and decided to keep doing what he was doing, except for not taking as much initiative. For that little boy, only time will tell now.

There was also one more thing. The little boy, wanted to ask that person something. But he was always afraid to. Fear was holding him back. Maybe one day, he'll ask, but for now, the boy probably won't. "ohwell."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

To a close friend of mine.

Dear Andy Choi,
                          You fail. That thing that you tried to do on Sunday night, just made you feel like crap the next day, which just happened to be your birthday. Good job. Not being able to do it though, has to mean something. Your mood was significantly better today, but still not 100%. You may not think things are going well at all right now, but you still have to hold onto hope. If you don't cling to hope, how are you going to keep your promise of waiting? No matter how much it hurts Andy, you just have to endure it all, and hope for the best. You're still young, you have plenty time. Just keep reminding yourself, of how happy you are when you're around her. Just keep reminding yourself, of how happy you are when you see that smile. Just keep reminding yourself, that its not over, and even when you think it's over, it's not over. (thanks Judah Smith for that) Every time you fall down, just get back up and keep moving forward, even if you don't know where you are headed. That's a key principle in life, otherwise, you'll never get anywhere. If someone tells you that its impossible, don't listen to them. Since impossible things, are just those things which so far have never been done. And plus, it's not whether its possible or not. It's whether you want to or not. You'll be fine, as long as you continue to want to be there and wait. Andy, life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you want, but you can only spend it once. Just don't regret anything. Oh and one last thing Andy, if you ever hurt her again, I'm going to kill you.

                                Love from, Your Conscience.

It's like everything is a big puzzle, that was coming along nicely, but then I just had to mess it all up.
'I want to line the pieces up. Yours, and mine.'

still waiting.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The power of the inner man.

Taken from a book that I've been reading:

   Life will throw some 'night seasons' your way and during these times we will be directed by our hearts. David wrote: 
   'My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.' (Psalm 16:7 NKJV)
   Many things breed in the dark including confusion or disorientation. You can lose your way in the darkness of night and have no clue which way to turn. I have seen people completely lose their way during dark or difficult times, and others who have emerged victoriously. Why do some make it through?
   When you don't know which way to turn, your heart is going to guide you; it can only instruct according to what it knows. If your heart is geared towards panic, it will guide you accordingly, whereas, with the right thinking and attitudes, your heart can keep you on course. Just as a plane flies according to the way its computer is set. Sadly, some people lose their way in a night season and never find their way back.
    Do you want to be made whole?
    Perhaps the key lies in the content of your own heart.

I really hope, that what I'm doing is right. I don't want to get lost in this 'night season'. 

step back.

I've decided, that I'm going to step back. All of it is too much to handle. I know, that every single time I talk to you, every word, every moment, is a little bit of pain that is stacking up, which will all come crashing down sooner or later. I want to, no, I have to spare myself this pain. I can't handle it. So I'm going to take a step back, try and move on, even though every part of me is telling me not to. I'm not stupid, I can tell when you are avoiding me, or don't want to talk to me.

I know, that I will never meet anyone like you ever again. I don't want to let you go, but I can't let this pain keep stacking up. If you ever stop smiling, I will blame myself. Because everything is my fault. It's all my fault that things are this way, and it's all my fault that there is all this pain.

I know, 100% that it will be hard to step back. It will be hard, to not do anything and let you do it all instead. But I think it's necessary, because afterwards, things might be clearer. I think, the only way for me to be able to step back, is to immerse myself in games, or my studies. And that's what I'm going to do.

You wrote something to me, and it really made me happy. It was on that yellow piece of paper. And so, I at least hope, that when you make your list, you'll put yourself and me on it.

and so, just so you haven't forgotten...

still waiting.