that awkward in-between feeling

You ever get that weird feeling, where you feel stuck in-between opposite feelings or reactions?
Like you want to eat something, but at the same time you don't want to eat anything. Or you want to go out but you don't want to go out as well. You want to go out and meet people, but you don't want to either.

That really awkward feeling.

It really confuses me. I never know what I should actually do, and it's usually when people give a good reason why I should do something, then I'd do it. For me, I'm stuck there right now.

A lot of the time, I want to just stay home and avoid contact with people, but at the same time I don't want to do that because I know it's not good for me. Also, a lot of the time I want to talk to her, but I also don't want to at the same time. Probably because I'm scared of hearing something I don't want to, and that I'd rather stay in this blissful ignorance, but I really miss seeing and talking to her.

I really think that the only thing that has kept me from being completely anti-social is gaming. Suprisingly. If you're reading this, you're probably thinking that msn would also keep me from being anti-social, but you're wrong. I only ever talk to one person on msn, when other people talk to me I'll reply, but I won't make it a long conversation. Gaming on the other hand, is fun and I'm bonding with the guys as well. It gives us something easy to talk about for ages and is also really funny at times. I don't go on facebook that much, not like other people in my social group that are always on facebook. I also don't go out and get drunk like a lot of people in my social group. That's why I stick to gaming. There is never any hard feelings, and its an easy way to have fun with my friends.

I think, if I didn't have that awkward in-between feeling, I'd take the initiative more often. But nowadays, the only things that keep me interested is:
1. Games. Specifically dota, starcraft 2, wc3 funmaps and halo reach.
2. Anime
3. Youth
4. Church
5. Manga

Some of you might think that church is really boring, but in my opinion, you people just don't know how to appreciate it. Listening to the pastors speak you can learn a great deal of things. Also the fellowship with the people at church is really good. I made heaps of friends at church, and they're all in uni or working full time. Helping the church by doing the parking is also really good, it makes me happy to know that we put a smile on peoples faces in the morning when they come to church. It feels like I'm actually doing something that is HELPING other people. Something some people wouldn't be able to understand.

__________________________________________________________

I've been doing tonnes of thinking lately, and I thought, it would be nice to find someone new. For all I know I'm just chasing someone too good for me. I've always wanted to meet someone that was cute and that I enjoyed being around. Those are the only things that could get my heart racing. I've only ever met 4 people like that. One was someone from primary school, who I haven't seen in years. One is someone who I can't talk to without feeling weird because of our past. Another is the person I mention all the time in this blog. And the last is someone from church. Ahhh... If only life was simpler.