good game, better luck next time

 Gonna start with this; since my blogspot posts are quite long and tedious to read, here is my tumblr for those who don't want to read such long essays, and would rather an insight into my life through quick an small posts. http://super-choi.tumblr.com/  enjoy!

anyway.

It's pretty much over. As this year comes to a close, so many things will be over for me.

With almost every aspect of my life, I'm going to try and start fresh as soon as I get back from Hong Kong. With some things I know I don't stand a chance, and with others I'm trying my best right now. It's not easy though. So many things to draw my motivation away from me. The only thing I can do is use games as a reward for myself to do work. Some things just weren't meant to be right?

There's no worse feeling than the ones that you get on the inside. Pain wise it's not as bad as the external pain I had when I was in hospital. However, no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to get rid of it. It is constantly bothering you, drawing your attention to it, and you feel like crap because of it. Makes you wonder why. There are aspects of my life that just never seem to go the way I would like it to go. Everything seems to be fine in the beginning, but then every time, they fall apart, and then I'm left with all these broken pieces that don't fit together. I try to put it back together, in fact I try for a very long time to put those pieces back together, but there is always something missing. Every time it happens it leaves a scar. In total that makes 2 scars.
It's too bad I subject myself to this sort of torture. Maybe now I'll learn to put up a wall. The problem is, I can't seem to find any fault. I'm not being arrogant or anything, but I just can't seem to see what there is to dislike about me. Damn my stubbornness.

A private post from a while back.

Things are going worse than I thought. With the start of a bad week, I thought things had started to get better when the week started to draw to a close. But recently, a certain piece of information was made clear to me.                                                                                                                            I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I should do. To everyone else, I may seem strong, as though I don't really care. But in actual fact, I'm slowly dying inside. It hurts to know that I'm running out of time. I guess all I can do is pray and hope things will get better.

I know its got nothing to do with me, I haven't done anything wrong. But I obviously haven't done anything right either.

"The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them."

I seem so dramatic don't I? That's probably because pain changes things. It can turn someone you thought you once knew, into a completely different person. 

That's why I'm going to start anew. I just have to endure a few more weeks.