Just like the title says. I feel really down, but I guess I only feel like this, because I really wanted to see you. You said you were busy, but a part of me tells me that you just aren't sure if you want to see me or not. I wonder, is it really that hard, to come out and watch a movie? I'm sure, that you would go if it was any other guy. Why not then?
I finally plucked up the courage to ask you to go somewhere on the holidays, after I put it off for an entire week, and then I get a maybe, which turned into a no. I never would have thought, that it would be so depressing. I left msn early, because I couldn't talk to you, without feeling sad, so I decided to game, to take my mind off things...It didn't work, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I wanted to do something to make myself happier, but nothing seemed appealing.
Should I even bother next time? Is it even worth all this trouble?
I kept myself as free as possible, in the hope that we would go somewhere, I only go to the things that I can't or shouldn't avoid. You said to me, that you'd see me after youth camp, of course we would, at youth. I had hoped you meant over the holidays, but I guess I was wrong.
Even though I'm pretty down because of all this, I'll keep getting back up, because I don't want to lose someone precious. Although, I wonder if it really is worth all this. People have told me constantly to give up, others keep encouraging me. But it's to the point where, whatever someone else says, nothing will change, unless I want it to change. I want to further our relationship, but I can see that you don't want to, that's why I'm waiting, but the only thing that I don't want, is to lose you.
to the world you may be one person, but to me...
you are the world.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
youth camp 2010.
So for the past few days I've been at youth camp. If I had to sum it up in one word, that word would have to be empowering. So much has happened during these past 3 days, not only for me, but for everyone else that was there as well. In all my time at youth, I have never seen the people of youth so impacted by God's word.
Of course, there are people that I wish had gone. Some of them because I wanted to see them there, and others because I feel that they would have needed it. But I've learnt that God put those people there for a reason, and the for the people that weren't there, it just isn't time yet. After all, God works in mysterious ways.
This picture, is the picture that I had chosen that best represents my walk, or my relationship with God. During worship in the morning of the second day, we were all asked to go to the back of the room, and out of the photos on the floor, pick the one that best represents your relationship with God. Your own personal walk. To anyone else, they may not see anything special about this picture. They don't see what I would see. To me, this picture definitely represents where I'm at, because it is a picture, of someone how had just left a tunnel. That may not mean much now, but let me explain. I haven't been Christian, for a long time. I never grew up in a Christian family, I never went to church when I was going up, and so I was always left in the darkness. Even after I had accepted Christ, I was still in that darkness. These things happen over time, they don't just suddenly happen once you accept Christ into your life. So I've been lost in the dark, for who knows how long, and it wasn't actually until Hillsong this year, that I got the feeling that I knew what I was meant to do as a follower of Jesus. That darkness, is the tunnel. In that tunnel, there was no light, and so I could only grope my way around in the dark to find my way. But then Hillsong came, and afterwards, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was still far, the path still wasn't clear, but it was there, and I could only slowly work my way towards it. In the time between Hillsong and camp, a lot of things happened. But when I came to camp, after hearing Hannah ask us what our heart condition was, and after Amir asked us what the soil of our heart looks like, I realised that I had almost reached the end of the tunnel. Things were clear for me. I knew what I should be doing as a follower of Jesus, and that was to help other people, get to know Jesus Christ. I was really glad, that things had become clear to me.
For me, the highlight of the camp was on the second night. After Hannah had spoken, there was an altar call. The leaders, prayed for the people that had gone up, as well as for each other. When I was up there, the things around me were just blocked out, and it was just me and God. Then Jess came to me. I thought, that she was going to pray for me. But it wasn't like that, She prayed alongside me. She told me, that she feels that I already know what I was supposed to do. Now, I never told her about any of this, I had only told the people in my tribe. So this came as a really big shock for me. She asked me to pray in tongues, and so we were both praying. And then Duc also came and laid his hand on me. Then something interesting happened. Jess started praying, and she felt God tell her, to dress me up in the armour of God. Not as words, but as an action. I had lifted up the Shield of Faith, and the Sword of Spirit. That was to protect me, as I was heading into a spiritual battle, to help others. After Jess left, Duc then prayed for me. He told me, that "many are called, but few are chosen" and that really hit me. It was for me as an Evangelist. So that I could go and minister to other people. Considering the things that happened between Hillsong and Camp, and the things my friends have done, has really opened my eyes to where I should minister to first. I was equipped with the armour of God, so that I may be protected in this long battle. When I was talking to Jess and Chau about all this during lunch on the last day, everything just seemed to fall into place. How things became clear, that I should minister to others.
But what REALLY got me, was something that I checked when I got home. A few months back, it was in June I think, we had a leaders meeting, where we just prayed for everyone. I had a record, of what was prayed for me, and I looked it up. Jess, had actually prayed about me being an Evangelist, and that I should minister with joy. I was seriously speechless. Now, I just need to prepare myself mentally and emotionally, for whats to come.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6 - 7
Of course, there are people that I wish had gone. Some of them because I wanted to see them there, and others because I feel that they would have needed it. But I've learnt that God put those people there for a reason, and the for the people that weren't there, it just isn't time yet. After all, God works in mysterious ways.
 | |
| picture, representing my walk with God |
For me, the highlight of the camp was on the second night. After Hannah had spoken, there was an altar call. The leaders, prayed for the people that had gone up, as well as for each other. When I was up there, the things around me were just blocked out, and it was just me and God. Then Jess came to me. I thought, that she was going to pray for me. But it wasn't like that, She prayed alongside me. She told me, that she feels that I already know what I was supposed to do. Now, I never told her about any of this, I had only told the people in my tribe. So this came as a really big shock for me. She asked me to pray in tongues, and so we were both praying. And then Duc also came and laid his hand on me. Then something interesting happened. Jess started praying, and she felt God tell her, to dress me up in the armour of God. Not as words, but as an action. I had lifted up the Shield of Faith, and the Sword of Spirit. That was to protect me, as I was heading into a spiritual battle, to help others. After Jess left, Duc then prayed for me. He told me, that "many are called, but few are chosen" and that really hit me. It was for me as an Evangelist. So that I could go and minister to other people. Considering the things that happened between Hillsong and Camp, and the things my friends have done, has really opened my eyes to where I should minister to first. I was equipped with the armour of God, so that I may be protected in this long battle. When I was talking to Jess and Chau about all this during lunch on the last day, everything just seemed to fall into place. How things became clear, that I should minister to others.
But what REALLY got me, was something that I checked when I got home. A few months back, it was in June I think, we had a leaders meeting, where we just prayed for everyone. I had a record, of what was prayed for me, and I looked it up. Jess, had actually prayed about me being an Evangelist, and that I should minister with joy. I was seriously speechless. Now, I just need to prepare myself mentally and emotionally, for whats to come.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6 - 7
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
confusion
What is a person meant to do, when they are confused? When there are conflicting ideas and hopes coursing through you, how do you differentiate what you should and shouldn't do or think. Confusion, is something that people face every single day of their lives. It may be in class, when they think something is right, but everyone says that something else is right, then you have no idea which is right and which is wrong. It could be when talking to people, you don't know how to correctly word something so the other person won't take offense, and become confused in all the ways you can convey your message.
For me, it's in everyday life. I'm constantly confused about what I should be worried about. This has nothing to do with school, it's about that 'other thing'. Sometimes, I wish I could just get into your head, so that I will know and understand, and then I won't be so confused anymore.
But it's definitely different for other people.Some people may be confused about what they want, such as their career or dreams. Some people might just be confused about what they should eat. When people are confused, they tend to make the wrong choices. You can trust me on that one. Just like in a pokemon game, when a pokemon gets confused, they have a chance to hurt themselves.
For me, it's in everyday life. I'm constantly confused about what I should be worried about. This has nothing to do with school, it's about that 'other thing'. Sometimes, I wish I could just get into your head, so that I will know and understand, and then I won't be so confused anymore.
But it's definitely different for other people.Some people may be confused about what they want, such as their career or dreams. Some people might just be confused about what they should eat. When people are confused, they tend to make the wrong choices. You can trust me on that one. Just like in a pokemon game, when a pokemon gets confused, they have a chance to hurt themselves.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
free thought storage
So. I guess my blog is really just 'free thought storage'. A place where I can put my thoughts, and then refer back to them if I feel like it. It's nice to be able to vent somewhere, without people constantly asking me if there is something wrong.
Anyway, yesterday at youth was pretty good in my opinion. Seeing people who don't go up for testimonies often, like Claudine, it really makes the night better, knowing that slowly, the youth is becoming braver and braver about sharing God with people. Tribes was also really good. Especially when Amir did this role-play thing to show the guys more a more practical version of the armor of God.
But the highlight of the night for me, was at the end of the night, even though it was something soooooo tiny that no-one else probably would have even noticed or cared about. And that was: when I got up to get food because Thomas asked me to, and you asked me where I was going. Even though I wasn't talking to you at that moment, when you asked, it showed me that you care. I don't know how much, but even a little is fine. It made my night significantly better. Even though I got a different 'goodbye' than everyone else, it didn't bother me too much.
You probably don't notice it, but you treat me differently. I noticed the way to treat and talk to other guys, and it seems to be different than when you talk to me. I've grown accustomed to it, but it still makes me wonder why. You seem to be more nervous around me, than you are around other guys. Who knows why. But that's just the feeling that I get. I don't think I'll go into detail, but it makes me wonder every single time.
Also, something I noticed as I was typing this. My hands tend to shake, when I write about you. Maybe I'm scared about what would happen if I lose you. Maybe I'm just tired. I really don't know. All I do know, is that my hands were shaking when I was typing this. Haha, yes, I know I'm weird.
but I hope that you know, I'm still waiting.
Anyway, yesterday at youth was pretty good in my opinion. Seeing people who don't go up for testimonies often, like Claudine, it really makes the night better, knowing that slowly, the youth is becoming braver and braver about sharing God with people. Tribes was also really good. Especially when Amir did this role-play thing to show the guys more a more practical version of the armor of God.
But the highlight of the night for me, was at the end of the night, even though it was something soooooo tiny that no-one else probably would have even noticed or cared about. And that was: when I got up to get food because Thomas asked me to, and you asked me where I was going. Even though I wasn't talking to you at that moment, when you asked, it showed me that you care. I don't know how much, but even a little is fine. It made my night significantly better. Even though I got a different 'goodbye' than everyone else, it didn't bother me too much.
You probably don't notice it, but you treat me differently. I noticed the way to treat and talk to other guys, and it seems to be different than when you talk to me. I've grown accustomed to it, but it still makes me wonder why. You seem to be more nervous around me, than you are around other guys. Who knows why. But that's just the feeling that I get. I don't think I'll go into detail, but it makes me wonder every single time.
Also, something I noticed as I was typing this. My hands tend to shake, when I write about you. Maybe I'm scared about what would happen if I lose you. Maybe I'm just tired. I really don't know. All I do know, is that my hands were shaking when I was typing this. Haha, yes, I know I'm weird.
but I hope that you know, I'm still waiting.
Monday, September 6, 2010
circles
Its a circle. Simple as that. Why?
Think about the shape of a circle.
Can you pinpoint the start and the end? No you can't.
Can you see any gaps? No you can't.
A circle is the best representation, because it is continuous. I've already gotten lost before, so I only vaguely remember the start, and I honestly don't see an end. There are no gaps, because there are no more problems. Whether I'm in pain or not, it'll still be there, forever. Because it is continuous. It'll just keep going around and around, in a never-ending loop. For all I know, I've already been walking in a circle for months. Not making any progress, not showing you my persistence.
But I don't mind. I'd rather be walking around in a circle, than to be completely lost. All it would take, is one intervention, and I'd already be on a path. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know if I'm just too stubborn to give up. And I definitely don't know what I have to do. Everything is stuck on loop.
What I do know though, is that 'it's' like a circle - continuous.
And that I'm still waiting.
Think about the shape of a circle.
Can you pinpoint the start and the end? No you can't.
Can you see any gaps? No you can't.
A circle is the best representation, because it is continuous. I've already gotten lost before, so I only vaguely remember the start, and I honestly don't see an end. There are no gaps, because there are no more problems. Whether I'm in pain or not, it'll still be there, forever. Because it is continuous. It'll just keep going around and around, in a never-ending loop. For all I know, I've already been walking in a circle for months. Not making any progress, not showing you my persistence.
But I don't mind. I'd rather be walking around in a circle, than to be completely lost. All it would take, is one intervention, and I'd already be on a path. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know if I'm just too stubborn to give up. And I definitely don't know what I have to do. Everything is stuck on loop.
What I do know though, is that 'it's' like a circle - continuous.
And that I'm still waiting.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
...
...you know, what I've found, that helps me clear my head?
A nice leisurely stroll at night.
It's more peaceful than the daytime, and you tend to notice things you normally wouldn't. Of course, there's still the risk of getting raped, but I like to think that my chances for that are pretty low...
I can take my time without having the awkwardness of someone passing me. I can just randomly stop, think, and embrace the cool air that is blowing against me, without people looking at me weirdly.
An escape.
Watching stuff also helps me take my mind off things. I've recently watched Liar Game, and it's pretty epic. Watching it kinda makes me wish I took psychology, but ohwell. But now I wish I got the movie for the final stage as well... It makes me wonder how they're gonna bring Erika Toda back into it, she's not supposed to be in the final stage... >_> I need to hunt it down soon.
I guess, doing these sorts of things to take my mind off 'things'... really does show that I'm still just a naive little kid. Don't you think...?
A nice leisurely stroll at night.
It's more peaceful than the daytime, and you tend to notice things you normally wouldn't. Of course, there's still the risk of getting raped, but I like to think that my chances for that are pretty low...
I can take my time without having the awkwardness of someone passing me. I can just randomly stop, think, and embrace the cool air that is blowing against me, without people looking at me weirdly.
An escape.
Watching stuff also helps me take my mind off things. I've recently watched Liar Game, and it's pretty epic. Watching it kinda makes me wish I took psychology, but ohwell. But now I wish I got the movie for the final stage as well... It makes me wonder how they're gonna bring Erika Toda back into it, she's not supposed to be in the final stage... >_> I need to hunt it down soon.
I guess, doing these sorts of things to take my mind off 'things'... really does show that I'm still just a naive little kid. Don't you think...?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
school?
I've realised today, that I have a lot of really good teachers.There's only one, that is bad, and I don't really care about that subject anyway.
First, would have to be Methods. Anthony and Thomas would know what I'm talking about. Miss Alexandrou is the best teacher I've ever had. She teaches well, and she doesn't care about what I'm doing, most of the time. She never checks homework, and she is just too nice. We usually spend half the lesson talking to her about random things. For example, how often she goes RAVING. Even though she's already told us that she doesn't go raving, we bag her about it anyway. Also, ever since Thomas got her friend as a tutor, Chin has been bagging her about him as well. She also lets us listen to music in class. Of course, she doesn't let some people listen to it when she's teaching, but she doesn't care if I listen to music in class, since my marks are fine.
Next up would be Physics. Ahhh, Mr. Duong. Another one of my really good teachers. I can sum him up in one sentence. He plays World of Warcraft (WOW). Anyway, Duong has this competitive edge against other physics teachers, which is mainly Ms. Raus. He knows he's not as smart as her, but he still wants our class to do better than hers, even though her class has all the smart people in it. He teaches really well as well, and the notes that he gives us is really good. As long as I have copied down the notes, I could sit on the science benches, lay on my back and listen to music, and he wouldn't even care. When I talk to him, he tells me a lot of random things. Like how the school has no hope for my sister's year level. During our Sacs, he is usually playing WOW, and if he isn't, he's sleeping. That's how much he trusts our class. Even when there was a fire emergency, and teachers told him to take our class to the oval, the look on his face was 'Do I have to? >_>'.
One time, when I went to library to get my inquiry set done...
Duong: "Ka Ho." (thats my chinese name if people were wondering, it was on the roll, so that's how my teacher knows...)
Andy: "oh. Hey Mr. Duong. Can you help me with my inquiry set?"
Duong: "Well, I'm actually supposed to go have lunch now..."
Andy: "Nah, don't worry, it's just a quick question."
Duong: "hmmm. I'm a bit busy at the moment though..."
*Looks over at his laptop*
Andy: "Are you seriously playing WOW during yard duty?"
Duong: "Don't just shout it across the library... >_>"
Third would be General Maths Standard, or GMS for short. Even though I haven't been in that class for long, Mr. Mcarthy is pretty cool. The way he talks to you when he's not being serious is the same as when he talks to you normally, that's what makes it funny. Like, when I asked him if he would sign me off for further...
Andy: "hey mr.mac, can you sign me off for further?"
Mr.Mac: *getting his pen out* "Is your average over 60?"
Andy: "Well, I've only done 2 tests..."
Mr.Mac: "And what did you get?"
Andy: "98 and 98..."
Mr.Mac: "Well that's JUST over 60..."
What also makes him pretty cool, is that he makes bets with John. That if John get's 100% on the next test, he would make a video for John, of him marking his test, and then starting to cry like the guy in the double rainbow video. But then again, John also made that same bet with me, that if he gets 100% I'd have to give him my unconditional love...But me and Mr.Mcarthy both know that he wouldn't, that's why we made that bet. Whenever I'm not doing any work and Mr.Mcarthy asks me why I'm just sitting there. I tell him that I don't need to do any work, and then he tells me that's why i dont get 100%... ): But he's still one of my better teachers.
4th up, is Chem. Chem is generally a hard subject, especially if the topic you're doing is boring. Ms. Adams is the best Chem teacher for our year level, so I'm pretty lucky to have her. I remember when I had her last year for Maths, she had me, Anthony and Hansol permanently separated. That sucked. But we still called out to each other across the room. This year, it's not as exciting, but she's still a good teacher nonetheless. Recently, I've been slacking off in Chem, due to lack of interest. Stoichometry and Redox is not my sort of thing. Learning all those calculations and how to write redox equations is so boring. It's almost as though I'm taking another maths subject. Today, I asked Ms.Adams why this chapter is so boring, and then she said that its different for each person. And then she tried to get me interested by asking me all these questions about rusting and corrosion. I thanked her for the effort though LOL. At least she tried? haha.
Then it would be english. Normally, English would be at the bottom of everything for me, since its my worst subject, but Ms.Thompson just beats the last teacher. Even though she can't really teach, she is still really nice. She's also a drama teacher, so sometimes she would play games with us just because she didn't feel like doing any work. She also has crappy hearing, so we can talk in class, and most of the time it would seem really soft to her. Sometimes she's probably too nice...
And now, Last and definetly least, Philosophy. Now, don't get me wrong, Mr. Durkin is probably one of the smartest teachers in the school when it comes to overall knowledge, but he just can't teach. Even if his life depended on it. He is usually as strict as a normal teacher would be, no gum, no headphones, no talking while hes talking. But you cannot argue back with him. He is too smart. He would either just prove you wrong, make you dig your own hole, or lead you into a trap, so that you would lose the argument. It's entertaining though, but he is probably my worst teacher...
In order one to six: Methods, Physics, GMS, Chem, English, Philosophy. I think my bs luck got me all those good teachers... :D
I REALLY hope that I get good teachers next year though...
First, would have to be Methods. Anthony and Thomas would know what I'm talking about. Miss Alexandrou is the best teacher I've ever had. She teaches well, and she doesn't care about what I'm doing, most of the time. She never checks homework, and she is just too nice. We usually spend half the lesson talking to her about random things. For example, how often she goes RAVING. Even though she's already told us that she doesn't go raving, we bag her about it anyway. Also, ever since Thomas got her friend as a tutor, Chin has been bagging her about him as well. She also lets us listen to music in class. Of course, she doesn't let some people listen to it when she's teaching, but she doesn't care if I listen to music in class, since my marks are fine.
Next up would be Physics. Ahhh, Mr. Duong. Another one of my really good teachers. I can sum him up in one sentence. He plays World of Warcraft (WOW). Anyway, Duong has this competitive edge against other physics teachers, which is mainly Ms. Raus. He knows he's not as smart as her, but he still wants our class to do better than hers, even though her class has all the smart people in it. He teaches really well as well, and the notes that he gives us is really good. As long as I have copied down the notes, I could sit on the science benches, lay on my back and listen to music, and he wouldn't even care. When I talk to him, he tells me a lot of random things. Like how the school has no hope for my sister's year level. During our Sacs, he is usually playing WOW, and if he isn't, he's sleeping. That's how much he trusts our class. Even when there was a fire emergency, and teachers told him to take our class to the oval, the look on his face was 'Do I have to? >_>'.
One time, when I went to library to get my inquiry set done...
Duong: "Ka Ho." (thats my chinese name if people were wondering, it was on the roll, so that's how my teacher knows...)
Andy: "oh. Hey Mr. Duong. Can you help me with my inquiry set?"
Duong: "Well, I'm actually supposed to go have lunch now..."
Andy: "Nah, don't worry, it's just a quick question."
Duong: "hmmm. I'm a bit busy at the moment though..."
*Looks over at his laptop*
Andy: "Are you seriously playing WOW during yard duty?"
Duong: "Don't just shout it across the library... >_>"
Third would be General Maths Standard, or GMS for short. Even though I haven't been in that class for long, Mr. Mcarthy is pretty cool. The way he talks to you when he's not being serious is the same as when he talks to you normally, that's what makes it funny. Like, when I asked him if he would sign me off for further...
Andy: "hey mr.mac, can you sign me off for further?"
Mr.Mac: *getting his pen out* "Is your average over 60?"
Andy: "Well, I've only done 2 tests..."
Mr.Mac: "And what did you get?"
Andy: "98 and 98..."
Mr.Mac: "Well that's JUST over 60..."
What also makes him pretty cool, is that he makes bets with John. That if John get's 100% on the next test, he would make a video for John, of him marking his test, and then starting to cry like the guy in the double rainbow video. But then again, John also made that same bet with me, that if he gets 100% I'd have to give him my unconditional love...But me and Mr.Mcarthy both know that he wouldn't, that's why we made that bet. Whenever I'm not doing any work and Mr.Mcarthy asks me why I'm just sitting there. I tell him that I don't need to do any work, and then he tells me that's why i dont get 100%... ): But he's still one of my better teachers.
4th up, is Chem. Chem is generally a hard subject, especially if the topic you're doing is boring. Ms. Adams is the best Chem teacher for our year level, so I'm pretty lucky to have her. I remember when I had her last year for Maths, she had me, Anthony and Hansol permanently separated. That sucked. But we still called out to each other across the room. This year, it's not as exciting, but she's still a good teacher nonetheless. Recently, I've been slacking off in Chem, due to lack of interest. Stoichometry and Redox is not my sort of thing. Learning all those calculations and how to write redox equations is so boring. It's almost as though I'm taking another maths subject. Today, I asked Ms.Adams why this chapter is so boring, and then she said that its different for each person. And then she tried to get me interested by asking me all these questions about rusting and corrosion. I thanked her for the effort though LOL. At least she tried? haha.
Then it would be english. Normally, English would be at the bottom of everything for me, since its my worst subject, but Ms.Thompson just beats the last teacher. Even though she can't really teach, she is still really nice. She's also a drama teacher, so sometimes she would play games with us just because she didn't feel like doing any work. She also has crappy hearing, so we can talk in class, and most of the time it would seem really soft to her. Sometimes she's probably too nice...
And now, Last and definetly least, Philosophy. Now, don't get me wrong, Mr. Durkin is probably one of the smartest teachers in the school when it comes to overall knowledge, but he just can't teach. Even if his life depended on it. He is usually as strict as a normal teacher would be, no gum, no headphones, no talking while hes talking. But you cannot argue back with him. He is too smart. He would either just prove you wrong, make you dig your own hole, or lead you into a trap, so that you would lose the argument. It's entertaining though, but he is probably my worst teacher...
In order one to six: Methods, Physics, GMS, Chem, English, Philosophy. I think my bs luck got me all those good teachers... :D
I REALLY hope that I get good teachers next year though...
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