step back.

I've decided, that I'm going to step back. All of it is too much to handle. I know, that every single time I talk to you, every word, every moment, is a little bit of pain that is stacking up, which will all come crashing down sooner or later. I want to, no, I have to spare myself this pain. I can't handle it. So I'm going to take a step back, try and move on, even though every part of me is telling me not to. I'm not stupid, I can tell when you are avoiding me, or don't want to talk to me.

I know, that I will never meet anyone like you ever again. I don't want to let you go, but I can't let this pain keep stacking up. If you ever stop smiling, I will blame myself. Because everything is my fault. It's all my fault that things are this way, and it's all my fault that there is all this pain.

I know, 100% that it will be hard to step back. It will be hard, to not do anything and let you do it all instead. But I think it's necessary, because afterwards, things might be clearer. I think, the only way for me to be able to step back, is to immerse myself in games, or my studies. And that's what I'm going to do.

You wrote something to me, and it really made me happy. It was on that yellow piece of paper. And so, I at least hope, that when you make your list, you'll put yourself and me on it.

and so, just so you haven't forgotten...

still waiting.